frustration

so my computer is not shipping until Nov 2nd because they don't provide accidental breakage insurance in new york so stalled my order for 48 hours and now there is no way i'll receive it before flying to orlando for a conference next thursday (i had so much work i was going to get done with my new wireless card, i was anticipating my increased efficiency in the shower this morning, no joke). so now this. blah.

i was thinking of posting for a recreational partner as an out sex worker. now i don't know if i have the energy to deal with that today. so frustrating. plus there's the issue of being bisexual and dyke-identified (why won't lesbians play with bi girls?). and being into bisexual boys but not wanting guys in general to react to my bisexuality with the "can i watch?!?" standard (when i turn around and say the exact same for their boy on boy adventures).

i also want to institute some distinct boundaries between clients and recreation, so i don't want any new hook-up to be a potential client wasted. however, i can not stand the "oh, well i would NEVER pay for sex/could NEVER do sex work" reactions of "understanding" boys and girls.

frustrating and mind boggling. argh.

in the business of pleasure

it has come to my attention that lately my life is lacking in recreational sex, especially of the deliciously kinky variety. this became clear for me at the screening of "Alice in Footland" at anthology on saturday.

although a foot fetish film clearly shot by a non-foot-fetishist, there was some very real foot play going on. one foot worshiper was particularly accomplished in his ability to deepthroat while a second gentleman treated each toe as a delicate clit niblet. i realized i haven't had a kick ass foot job in over a year (discounting the time i fucked dacia with my shoe, but that was more about her fantasy and the pretty pictures than my toes getting attention).

so now that i'm craving a good wholesome foot job, i am faced with a dilemma. my first impulse is to post for a paid foot-worship session (money+pleasure=good times). but i realize that i've been getting a little absorbed in the sex-for-money scene and haven't been having nearly enough sex-for-me. so, do i go back to the old casual encounters route? do i hit up a fetish party in hopes of finding a good foot slave?

at the after party for alice i got quite thoroughly drunk courtesy of the open bar. part of my logic (aside from "free booze = good") was that it would be easier for me to fool around with an unpaid partner with a little liquor in me. i know this is fucked up. i also knew that i hadn't shaved my legs of armpits and had been wearing my boots all day (not necessarily a bad thing for foot fans, but not great for moments of self-doubt), so was unlikely to follow-through on any overtures.

i'm trying to figure out if i'm horny because i'm turned on or if i'm horny because i feel like i need to be (to confirm my identity and have a happy healthy sex life outside of the professional). i know better than to force myself into anything sexually (several bad situations of obligated fucking have taught me not to ignore my body's resistance). but at the same time, i know i'm exhausted and lazy and unlikely to pursue any sex without the monetary incentive right now.

i feel somewhat hypocritical for my little rant to kinky librarian about the separation of whoring and recreational sex in terms of business and pleasure because i most often enjoy my tricks (even if i don't come during the trick, i'll usually jerk off to the idea of the session later).

i had two very intense sexual dreams last night. in the first i was "auditioning" for a pimp, a system i don't advocate for at all. he and his assistant took me around to a variety of seedy motels, mostly single or dual level with full picture windows and ratty curtains, if any curtains at all. i was wearing a torn and stained slip and uncomfortably high heels. they made me go to the office of each hotel and get us a room (with my hair mused beyond belief from each previous adventure). i had to pay for the room with my own cash. i would then fuck both of them in the room with the window open and little kids running out to the motel pool with floaties on their arms. it was horrible and objectifying and so hot that i woke up and jerked off with my favorite dong and super intense severin butt plug as well as my trusty hitachi.

the second dream involved a form of sexual martial combat where the dueling parties executed very violent fucking kung-fu-ish moves (i know next to nothing about martial arts so really couldn't place if the moves were kung fu or karate or tai chi or calpoiera). large curved wooden swords were used to spank and smack and were deep throated and fucked. although there were two private rehearsal matches, the big event involved all the combatants staggered around an arena (with full audience of course). two were called at a time to fight. it was amazingly beautiful and rough and bloody. it caused me to sleep through my alarm.

finally, i bought a computer last night from dell. it should arrive by the end of the week. there will then be a great increase in the amount of traffic from little ole me.

vote for me

It's a vote. Which pic makes a better user icon for this educated slut?




book

or

corset?

business

oh so very busy these days.

school is going full steam, with three tests between last monday and next. i have also been throwing bowls and mugs like nobody's business. if anyone would like a "slut" or "whore" mug (or any other phrase as long as you hit me while the clay is still wet) drop a line to the_educated_slut@yahoo.com. they make lovely christmas gifts.

i have been getting presentation requests left and right. high schools, colleges, and women's shelters love my frank, "spunky" repartee, whether the topic is hiv, safer sex, or sexual diversity.

i need to start broaching the topic of suggested donations. i have these weird business ethics in which i have no problem asking for several hundred dollars from a gentleman interested in learning about the g-spot, but if a college group wants a workshop on female sexual response, i do it for free. part of my resistance is my respect for these organizations acknowledging the need for these important workshops. i am grateful for the forum in which to present. i don't want to punish them by asking for some form of reimbursement.

my office job is insane, demanding extra hours but not sure if they can pay the overtime.

i barely have a moment to whore myself. after a long day in the ceramics lab on saturday (13 hours baby) i impulsively posted an ad as a "dirty surly art student". the enthusiastic response continues this morning. however, after posting, i realized that i had neither condoms, not lube, nor other safer sex supplies and just didn't feel like extending the effort. bad business, i know. but i now have a new marketing technique (as-is).

i gave an interview to a livejournal friend on sunday. it was nice to meet a fellow web-based sex worker with a feminist activist consciousness. i really want to get the collective in gear.

my apartment has not had heat until this morning. too late. my head is floating through the severe cold that kept me from work and life yesterday.

i finally hit the dyke knitting circle at bluestockings last sunday. it was wonderful. look for me on the subways knitting a blue and green afghan for my little sister's graduation.

so, rambling and uninspired, but i am still here. pics and adventures coming soon.

sexual identity

i have been invited to give a workshop series for a private university. they want an hiv 101 to train a crew they're about to launch on the subways of nyc doing platform hiv-ed, busking guitar player style. super cool.

however, they also want a "safer sex from a sex worker" workshop (discussing sexual health as well as technique and negotiation skills) for the same group. the day has not been confirmed for this second lecture.

so, do i go as jane or do i go as j...? jane was all ready to jump up as an open whore/sex educator bc that's her identity. but j... is just an academic sexpert (albeit a slutty one). i want to book the first workshop through an ASO i volunteer with to give them some credit and get some supplies but was going to do the second freelance, possibly as a rep of the collective whenever it finally takes off. or i could just do both as jane vincent, the educated slut, and tell my friend (who is the organizational contact) that it's my professional alias (aka ducky doolittle or annie sprinkle).

who the hell am i?

queer bi whore kinky fluid sluts unite!

national coming out day! whore-ray!

since everyone pretty much knows i kiss girls and boys, and that i'm a little loose, and a bit of a perv, this year i will use the day to continue claiming my title of "whore." to do so i will:

1) work on very basic website with fellow whore, kara
2) continue drafting language and ideas for the alternawhore collective
3) take an inventory of my work and see if i have anything i could smack around into a submission-worthy (i wanted to say submitable but it is apparently not a word) piece for the sex workers' art show
4) if for any reason i meet anyone new today, they will know i'm a whore
5) why can't i have a "sex worker" t-shirt?

watch out new york, this sex worker is on the loose.

fun last night

last night, dacia (wakingvixen.blogspot.com) and i took advantage of the room left empty by her deserting roomate and had some fun with her digital camera.

this is my first attempt at posting pictures here. they look small and sideways. but if you click on them, they show up big and correctly oriented (at least they do for me).


dacia and i getting ready


helping dacia into her bustier


a coke-bottle figure



the first tattoo, bella the snake (she's more than 3 years old now)

i love close friends.

honesty in whoring

i'm really getting off on coming out lately. i am a whore. and a proud one at that.

this weekend i was obligated to show an old high school friend around the big city. he was a geek back then, but so was i in the geeky, freaky, theatre, hippy slut sense (just think lunches in the library, thrift store wardrobe, and a black vinyl prom dress). only his social skills haven't exactly blossomed in the four years since.

he is (self-proclaimed) incapable of small talk and as my knowledge of comics is fairly limited to strangers in paradise, hothead paisan, bitchy bitch, and dykes to watch out for, the conversation floundered. i'm sure my stress and exhaustion inhibitied conversational skills didn't exactly help the situation. i was able to pump it for an ample time but i began to fell like i was on a date with a client where the obligation of comfort and entertainment is upon me as a professional. brainstorm!

"so, my friends and i are trying to put together a sex workers collective" and i launched right into the schpeal, which was a good exercise as we're really ironing out mission statements and the basic foundations right now. he blushed and got flustered and managed a "but... huh?" at which point i said, "M..., I'm a whore."

awkward slurp of the lemonade as i examine his reaction. let him process a moment. "so, do you have any questions?" i figure we might as well turn it in to a teaching moment, challenging assumptions, informing the public, busting stereotypes and the like. "no, not really. that's your business." (ba dum dum). we discussed why he was surprised. he had never "thought of me like that." he knew i was "open" sexually, but "not in that way... I mean, you're not that kind of girl." and off went the discourse and dialogue, although it was admittedly more of a monologue.

i feel a little guilty, like i selfishly unloaded this on him to shock him or something. i will admit i did it to challenge his assumptions, as he had made some offensive little comment about a former playboy playmate writing for his magazine, along the implied lines of "who knew someone like that could write". i also will admit i was searching for something to fill the painful gap in conversation.

but i am not ashamed. i am at a point where i don't want any new friends who aren't cool with my sexwork. not in the terms of "as long as it doesn't affect me, i don't care" because that is not enough. i deserve more than that. i want support, godammit. and i'm not wasting my time on endeavors that won't deliver.
-----

rereading in the morning, i realize this post sounds a bit harsh. it was a rant more about a general theme lately than saturday night specifically. overall, i had a nice time and look forward to seeing my friend again. it was just an awkward evening, to be expected four years later.

blood money

on the rag. how do we turn this time of cramps and outbreaks into something positive? why, charge for it of course.

just put up my first post for period play. seeing if there is a generous market.

think i'll post a second ad for bloody panties, but i'm still figuring out the logistics of that one (in terms of money and the hand off). what do you think would be a reasonable charge for this particular service? shipping and handling and/or cab fare to and from the hand off are extra of course.

plus, i use handy dandy instead menstrual cups. think someone would be interested in buying my menstrual fluid (for example, in a baby food jar)?

it's these moments when you feel the least attractive that money can make you smile.

public privacy when the personal is political

As several people have noticed (I appreciate the supportive emails and advice), my sunday client has provided a point by point critique of my analysis of our date. It can be viewed at http://educatedslut.blogspot.com/2004/09/money-for-nothing.html#comments. I have since debated the situation with several close friends, as well as my livejournal support network. I sent him the following email:

Hey, Rob (he signed his response, so i'm assuming using his name is kosher).
I'm posting this to my blog as well, but wanted to let you know through personal email, so it doesn't turn into a public dialog.
Honestly, I was a little creeped out by your response to my blog. I saw it just before I left for texas and have thought about all week. I have realized I am not disturbed by your reading my blog, but I find your comments invasive. I view my blogs as my personal space to share my experiences. If you would like a similar opportunity to share, I suggest starting your own blog. I don't think it is necessary for me to start locking posts, or blocking comments, or even blocking your personal ip address (things suggested to me by some fellow sex workers). However, I would like to request that you limit your comments. Again, you are still welcome to read my blogs (they are in the public forum) but please honor my request.
I hope this doesn't interfere with our professional relationship.
Jane


----
Although there was a defensive email at first, after further discussion and explanation things have smoothed over. I look forward to meeting with this client again. I also took the time to respond to some of his original critiques of my post: he's in quotes, my original post has >'s, and my responses have *s. So complicated.

"I think you summed up our little date pretty well, but you were mistaken about some of the things I was thinking.
> he was a classic talker, looking for permission and validation.
I guess it's a good or neutral thing to be a 'classic talker?' I'll have to see if I can find a description online for that kind of john. "

*A classic talker is someone who appreciates the opportunity to discuss aspects of life, especially sexuality, with another person/woman without feeling guilty, shameful, or judged. It is a complimentary phrase.

"Anyhow, there's a reason I broach the subjects of sexuality and BDSM with any new people cautiously -- I don't enjoy being called a sicko or a pervert. So I come out of the BDSM closet cautiously, and I only reveal things when I think they'll be accepted. The permission I sought was just the conversational permission to discuss these things. There's just not much point in seeking any other kind of permission from anyone, since I'm still going to like what I like."

*Which is the permission I was referring to. I think the value of shared spoken discourse additionally allows one to further explore their personal desires.

> i think he also wanted to "teach" me, but i cut that one short real fast....
"As I recall, my intent was to gauge your actual knowledge and experience vs. your expectations so I would learn who I was dealing with. Of course I would gladly give my thoughts on the pitfalls of sexwork to anyone involved in it who was willing to listen. You made it clear that any insights weren't welcome, so I took a different conversational track. "

*Again, i was just noting that particular awkward moment and how we transitioned from there.

"So aside from the awkwardness that came from these misunderstandings, a good time was had by all, as far as the evening went. "

*Agreed, although i'm not sure there were as many misunderstandings as originally asserted. i think we use slightly different language to express similar sentiment.

And in response to "You might also want to be more careful what you think, or at least post, about people you have only just met. My main beef was that I felt unfairly judged by a near stranger who I felt I had been polite to. That's an unpleasant feeling."
*I didn't feel i was judging you in any way, merely recounting my experience. My post discussed actions, discussions, and my reactions/processes/conjectures. Within the contents of my blog, I am not discussing you. I am discussing my experiences within a context. You are represented by a character, but are not the subject. I'm the subject. me me me!!! (think veruca salt in willy wonka) If I had said, so-and-so is a blah blah blah, then yes, you have a right to speak up. But as you were represented anonymously, there is no way for the description to be traced back to you, and therefore, no need for public defense.

Thank you all again for your love and support. Good night.