Sunday, November 27, 2005

self abuse

the other day at walgreens, while picking up $200 in new meds, I spied with my dirty little eyes a rechargable "back massager" for $14.99. yes, please!

upon taking it home i examined the four different textures surrounding the head, the flexibility of the neck, and the similarity in size to the hitachi with a third of the heft. I was getting all exciting until I tried to turn it on.

It died. Immediately. Thank goodness I can read, so I discovered you have to charge it for eight hours prior to first use (despite the fact that it comes with batteries).

my frustration was quickly cured by my hitachi magic wand and i went to sleep knowing the new toy would wake me in the morning (like the little birds in cinderella).

the next morning, I brought out new toy. I stretched a condom over the head (hitachi requires a glove with fingers tied at the base, but this one can take a condom - it just has a flappy latex tongue flicking around).

I started very basic. Propped my back and shoulders on some pillows. Made sure i was far enough down the bed to flex my toes against the wrought iron base board. and turned the device on.

pleasant. that was my first reaction. not "oh my god!" not "well, this is stupid" but "pleasant." I did some kegels, felt the warmth spreading through my body, and generally enjoyed the glow.

but i wasn't getting anywhere. so i turned it on high (it only has two speeds: note for improvement). I started grinding against the machine. now we were moving. my breathing was longer going out than coming in. things were heaving and twitching.

and then, disaster struck.


the rubber neck liner had snagged on to my pubes. not just one, but a small tuft. and was trying it's darndest to rip them out of my tender lips.

I immediately sprung into action. Machine off. Scenario triaged. Hairs delicately removed.

But now what? I'm all hot and bothered and to top it all off, pissed.

So I arranged for the masturbation session of the month.

I got out my rock chick, condomed, and super lubed. I got out the hitachi, original (i'm sorry i ever strayed, baby). I stacked the pillows in a hill, adjacent to the head board, ready to ride and grind, and hold on to the wrought iron for resistance (when not squeezing my boobs).

I inserted the rockchick, astrode the pillow with the hitachi nestled strategically, leaned forward to a comfortable position, and began to ride. I like to thrust my way in to the gentle vibrations. But the buzz came on quickly, and lights, eyes, breathing, etc became erratically synced.

One hand pulled my hair against the wrought iron head board, while the other twisted my boob (not nipple, boob. now that they are so huge, this sensation rocks it for me). I squirted once. I continued, knowing a second or third was on the way.

And then, in the back thrust, i shifted to the side a millimeter too much, lost my balance, and flew off the bed. i bounced off two moving boxes (still not unbacked) and landed on my back on top of the plate i had eaten reheated thai food off of last night, that sandy had pushed around the floor for the rest of the evening).

The plate shattered beneath my back, I didn't know if i was broken, and the hitachi buzzed and bounced around the wood floor. If it hadn't been thanksgiving, I'd like to think the neighbors may have called or done something to assure I was okay. Fortunately my half of building was empty. I imagined the ambulance crew busting in, m unconscious, thai food under my back, rock chick in my crotch, soaked pillow, and buzzing hitachi.

"See," one would have quipped to the other, "I told you it can kill ya."

Friday, November 25, 2005

You all lost!!!

And the winner is: COOTCHIE!

Creative Organizing Of The Community (of Houston although we think we are just going to use) for Health, Information, and Education

Houston's newest sexual resource.

Because sexual health is a pleasure.

So you all can head over to or the official organizational blog and voice your support.

And, because I love you anyways, here are the boobies.

Originally uploaded by the_educated_slut.

Monday, November 07, 2005


An official contest!!!

Name my houston-based condom (and lube, and gloves, and other toys of the trade) distribution organization. I want to target adults, including older adults. Not only will there be distribution in clubs, etc, but also senior centers and other events. I have a plan for condom and lube cozies for the older ladies. And there will be a resource list. Sexuality information and education are the primary goals of this probably non-profit.

Here are the rules:
*must have sexual inuendo
*must not be registered as a dot org (preferrably not dot com, either)
*not profane (because i like little old ladies)
*some texas or houston link

The winner receives a picture of my tits. Brainstorm: now!

Sunday, November 06, 2005

comentators (like the tots)

one of the (many) reasons i sabaticalled from this blog was not me, but you, dear readers. actually not the readers - the evil spammers with blogger accounts who suddenly brought about fifteen to thirty new spammy comments a day (often on old posts). this required administrative monitoring.

so now, as i am beginning to write in both places, i have re-enabled the comments (with all the blogger comment screening boggles). but keep in mind, this is a privilege that can be revoked at any times. please, evil spammers, don't ruin it for the rest of the crowd that enjoy a good conversation over sex techniques or whether i am too fat to ever have been a whore.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

condom girl

so i spent five years in new york hauling around bags with hundreds of condoms and giving them away for free (and setting off many a duane reade security alarm along the way).

the other night, i went out to a club (gasp!) in houston for a suspension (amazing!!!). while hanging out there, we were approached by a cigarette girl. see, many cigarette companies send hot chicks (and some boys) around to clubs and bars handing out free cigarettes or lighters (i don't smoke, but fire is fun) in exchange for adding you to their mailing list.

while perusing the durex website (which now offers a line of vibrators), i decided that condom companies need to take a cue from the cigarette execs. send out people to clubs to hand out your merchandise. and, unlike smoking which can kill you, it would be a positive political move as you would be saving lives.

now, i know that condoms have been passed out in clubs and other social settings for quite some time as an hiv intervention. but these handouts were done by non-profits who need funding for supplies and rely on volunteers to distribute. the cool thing about handing out condom samples as a corporate move is that it is marketing! therefore, big condom companies can use their marketing budgets to pay cute blue haired girls to distribute the merchandise.

this idea also applies to lube. if anyone has a hook-up, pass the word along. there is a new sexpert in houston and she wants to pass out your safer sex supplies. oh, yeah!

cat fight!

jane: which bowl should i put the popcorn in?

dacia: use the one above the fridge.

jane: this is sticky!

dacia: this is my house. what do you expect?

jane: i have a dishwasher.

dacia: you live in houston!

jane: oh, yeah? at least i don't show the pink.

dacia: damn. you always win.

(the end)

ps damn right i have a dishwasher.

Originally uploaded by the_educated_slut.