Sunday, July 31, 2005

adapting and adopting

so i set up a myspace account for jane in hopes of making some houston friends. i have resisted the lure of myspace for years after growing sick of friendster and adult friend finder. chances are myspace isn't going to last very long either.

but amongst the "was up cuties" and random friend requests from bands and other folks i don't know who don't message me first, i met a girl. a cool girl who is from brooklyn and actually friends with my friend and neighbor (not to be confused with "Your Friends and Neighbors", the ultimate first date flick - "so, what character do you relate to?*" *props to dacia). she works at a coffee shop near my house and next door to my bank. after a couple of emails we exchanged numbers, phone conversations, and i stopped by her work on thursday.

now, i am sitting outside the cafe (using the wireless here because my internet "is not broken" according to the repair guy but won't work again an hour after he leaves and he screwed the cables so tight i can't unscrew them to reset it for twenty minutes like i had been doing) with sandy, drinking iced coffee, and waiting for girl to get off work. i'm taking her out to dinner and a movie. hoping to see happy endings (maggie gylenhall and a sex worker reference in the title equal quality film). don't know whether the date will have a happy ending. right now my apartment is an air mattress, a couple of chairs, and floating tumbleweeds of dog hair (not exactly romantic).

i'm working on my piece for rachel kramer bussel's upcoming anthology of lesbian firsts. this time i can put up snippets on my blog so you will all be able to enjoy some appetizers prior to purchasing the book (unlike russel kick's "everything you know about sex is wrong" out this fall). in addition to my story of my tryst with a transman at a sex conference a fall or two ago. hot hot stuff.

for the unobservant reader who didn't pick up on the hints, sandy and i are now a happy family. two shaggy bitches with hard core allergies under one roof, it's a sitcom in the making. i took her to get her hair cut on friday, but she hadn't had her kennel cough vaccine so we have to hold off for a week. we went to central houston animal hospital on saturday morning for a check-up and some vaccines and found out she has severe allergies. Turns out dogs don't get hay fever, instead they itch. and sandy is one itchy girl. so we have colloidal oatmeal shampoo and flea and tick preventative, and a spray with antihistamine and steroids to be used on itchy areas (to prevent bacterial infection and open wounds from gnawing) and she has to take 50mg (two pills) of benadryl twice a day! That's more antihistamine than i take! Oh and she loves pills. She's already skittish about eating in front of people and refuses to try cheese wrapped around pills or bread balled around pills. although a left-over chicken enchilada worked this morning, we've had a few headlock moments where i pop the pills down her throat (no fun for either of us).

Sandy is an interesting pooch. she has taken to me and now growls at anyone who approaches. this is the girl that only barked once at a peacock at the shelter. she is terrified of lightning, trucks, buses, airplanes, and my electric toothbrush (although she doesn't mind the whirl of my vibrator). she is particularly wary of men but loves cats (although they tag her on the nose more often than cuddle against her.

yesterday we went out to a friend's farm in brookshire. she got to run around and play with three teenage boys and three twenty-somethings and two adults (as well as a little lhaso with issues and two bitchy cats). she walked around their swiming pool once before leaning over and jumping in (before anyone else was in the pool). We played with her kong on a rope toy both in and out of the water (it floats!). then she snuck chicken pieces from my friend's father who was manning the grill. we discovered she knows hot to sit and shake.

i'm a proud mamma who's leaving her baby alone for the first time tonight. sorry for the gush. there may be sex to report on the morrow.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

deep in the heart

so i'm here.

um, it has been interesting. i got out of new york and drove a high school friend to philidelphia on the way to ohio. while stopped a gas station in jersey (damn full service) she picks up my gas card i had set in the cup holder.

"wow, jane. member since '79? that's older than we are!" she promptly sets the card back down next to the parking brake where it promptly slid through the slot into my center consul.

in ohio norm got her 12,000 mile check up. she was only at 10,500 but is a precocious girl who would break 12,000 by the end of the weekend. it took my mother until five to finish prepping the house (which is on the market as they are moving to houston in three weeks, surprise!).

we tried to stop around eleven but all the hotels were booked due to a corvette convention in knoxville. so my father made us a reservation and we were able to sleep a little after one.

the next morning we brought my youngest sister a sonic cheeseburger and tator tots for breakfast (she is spending the summer at an engineering program at vanderbilt). then we had lunch with an aunt in birmingham. one of my cousins performed an interpretive dance (actually quite good). then her younger brother tried and promptly slipped on the carpet rug-burning his nose and forehead. we had to leave when he was still whimpering.

mom and i had planned on dinner at drusilla's in baton rouge but an accident outside the city and wicked traffic forced us to order ninfa's take-out (fajitas and chips and queso aren't something to complain about). we had zydeco brunch the next morning at mulatte's outside of breaux bridge.

we pulled in to my new apartment in the late afternoon. unloaded the car including jude the jade plant, my momma's big baby that had gotten a little sunburned in louisiana forcing a paper towel wrap which further blocked our rear view vision. then we hit walmart for some necessities. we got back home approximately eight hours before the movers were scheduled to arrive.

but they didn't.

turns out there was some confusion about when my stuff was supposed to ship and i thought it would arrive this monday but they can't ship until my personal check clears so the earliest i can expect it is next monday!?!?!?!? argh.

so i have no stuff. but mom and i hit antique stores on westheimer (i bought an awesome blanket chest) and ikea for some more shelving units and chairs (i left all the chairs found on the street in new york). i had anticipated an apartment full of stuff and no chairs (and no bed until my folks move down and i get my great-grandmother's wrought iron number, very high with lots of bars and nooks for grabbing and tying and such). instead i have an apartment of seating possibilities and nothing else.

my mother started house hunting on tuesday which left me alone in the new apartment. my internet was installed in the morning (and promptly broke the next morning so a guy is coming out to fix it on saturday) but after that my day was free.

i felt so alone. and kinda bummed. like i couldn't start my new life yet because i was still waiting for this big shipment but there is nothing i can do to expedite that process except wait. so tuesday i bonded with the space aka slept.

wednesday i was committed to not being so bummed. so i decided to go meet some dogs. i drove down to the humane society and fell in love.

sandy, my one true love, can be seen here

i spoke in spanish with a worker who showed me around the dogs. i recognized sandy from so we hung out in a "getting to know you" bin. at first she walked around the perimeter, ignoring me, marking her territory, and sneaking sly glances out of the corner of her eye. then she came up behind me and started digging in the pebbles under the plastic bench i was sitting on. i gave her a gentle scritch on the tush. she came around and looked at me. i let her smell my hand and scratched her ears. then she jumped her front paws on to the seat beside me an lay her head against my thigh.

we're in love.

she's been at the shelter since december, living in a half-in/half-out unairconditioned and unheated pen. they have a big fan at the end of the row, but it's hot in there. and they don't groom the dogs there or brush them. she is one shaggy dog. but she loves to play in the water and with the garden hose so she's pretty clean. she's just in high-shed mode right now (not a lot considering her breed, but a little more than i had wanted). after i get her groomed and we start evening brush/cuddle time the shedding should cut down dramatically.

so i filled out my application. they woman in charge of adoptions will review it today. if i am approved (after talking to my landlord and references), sandy will be microchipped (she's already spayed) and then i can pick her up. she may have to hang out on my back balcony (which is shaded) while the movers bring my crap, but we need each other.

as dacia im'd "nothing says i have a life like a dog".

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

this is really happening

the movers will be here in less than four hours.

my life has been divided into car, movers, and left behind (further divided to friends, goodwill, and trash).

i had my last session with my therapist, said my goodbyes, drove by the four places i have lived in nyc (including the rubble of kate millet's former loft on bowery and houston), hung out with roommate, cleared my holds and picked up my diploma (and promptly left it at the counter of dunkin donuts).

the city is driving me out to the land of central air. sweat has not stopped pouring from my body all day. every time i pee i take a quick cold shower. the drips from my hair are salty again within five minutes. i have heat rash from the back of my knees to my ass and i can't remember where i packed the baby powder.

i threw out my old socks and underwear. i'll buy new panties on the road and i won't need socks for a few more months in houston. i have thrown out and given away most of my shoes (dacia got the best pairs) so that the few pairs remaining fit in a single suitcase.

the sun is coming up. i need to close my eyes if i want to open them in time for the movers. i'm nauseous and dizzy with adrenalin and heat.

and here i go.

Monday, July 04, 2005

off again

in an hour i will drive to the airport. when i get back in town i will have three full days before the movers arrive. my apartment isn't as backed as it could be, but i've thrown out a lot. i have said a good chunk of good byes. those who see me when i get back will be lucky because that week is going to be super hectic and up in the air. i hope i will make it to bluestockings books ( to see greta christina. i also want to swing by dube ( to pick up some wicks for fire breathing (want to branch out from the poi spinning). i also just ordered two unsharpened swords to begin practicing sword swallowing. i figure with all the deep-throat practice i've had, its worth a shot to turn it into an art.

i will do my best to check in over the next two weeks. if i don't have the chance, know that you are all in my heart. take care.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

on the town

after a day of napping and packing and jerking off, i went out to meet my dear friend paco. i left the house after eleven pm. usually i'm stripping down and starting a movie at that hour but this time i was putting on clothes and heading for the train.

i met paco at a mixed gay bar in williamsburg. the goal was dancing to 80s music. we got it half right. an awesome dj but those damn cabaret laws forbid us from boogie-ing. so we did the sitting down shoulder bop with fists swinging tight to the chest.

this was supposed to be my last night of drinking in new york. so i tried a blue hawaiian (yummy), a red bull and vodka (meh), and a long island with peach schnapps (the first drink i ever got drunk on outside of my parents liquor cabinet).

after we were warm and fuzzy we strolled down the block to a diner for grilled cheese sandwiches with tomatos and pickles, home fries, and a banana split. turns out our server was a friend of mine from my washington square park days.

refueled we headed into manhattan to hit fantasy world. Fantasy world is on the corner of 11th st and 7th ave and is open 24 hours. plus they have an amazing selection and are super sex positive (not skeezy). i was excited to find they are now marketing themselves as "new york's female friendly superstore". i strongly recommend them to friends of both genders.

i had a $20 gift certificate from christmas to spend. i debated between the various vibes and toys but fell in love when i found a lime green tantus swirl buttplug (

but the big surprise came when we discovered they were have a porn sale. i do not own nearly enough porn. i jack off to many non-porn films as well as music or just the lovely hum of my vibrators but sometimes you want the hardcore visuals. the sale was specifically on gay porn. buy one at half price get a second vhs free. after much debate, swapping of potentials, and eventually sitting on the floor to sort through to the back of the racks, i settled on four films.

the first two are loosely plot driven:
*the bite 2 (chi chi larue!)

the second pair is compilations:
*when bottoms go wild
*anal hall of fame

what can i say? i do like the butt sex. especially watching good butt sex that all partners are enjoying. however, i also enjoy the extreme.

lately, i've developed a little obsession with in particular, this sample of "kream" (bad bad porn name) fucking herself up the ass to the point that she prolapses when she comes, but it is a "healthy" prolapse (if there is such a thing). the tissue puffs out and you can see her ass contracting with orgasms and then it all gets sucked right back in, right as rain. i have never asked for gifts via my blog before, but if some fairy godperson wanted to get me a one-month membership to the site so i can gorge myself on this imagery to the point that i would never need to see it again, feel free to email me my new id and password. i'll happily share my favorite scenes with you.

back to this evening. after stocking up on the porn and cute new buttplug, we hit a deli where i bought some fresh oj and a bag of gummi bears. then paco walked me to the train. we plan on going to gay karaoke the week that i move, but in case that doesn't work out we hugged like no tomorrow. on the train i admired the hot lesbians that got on at union square, avoided the advances of the guy sitting across from me, and realized that these particular gummy bears have very well defined muzzles - to the point that when pinching the ears up and back they look more like a donkey than a bear.

so the sun is up and now i will sleep. but not without masturbating to my new mountain of gay porn.

Saturday, July 02, 2005


so i put dacia on a plane a few hours ago. we will not see each other until she comes to visit me in texas on her winter break. crying and driving is not a good mix so i called my aunt and listened to her talk about her day. then picked up some movies and mint milanos (the perfect cookie). now i'm trying not to think.

the first movie i watched was "the hazing". i love me some b-movie horror flicks. this one was about a frat and sorority doing joint hazing in a haunted house while a satanic professor's spirit tries to kill them and release the spirits of hell. classy, light, and full of boobies.

but the second film has been a surprise. i rented "d.e.b.s" this comic-based movie is about a team of college chicks in training as spies for the government. skimpy skirts, big guns, and devon aoki (super hot mijo from "sin city") were promising. but i was surprised to find a lesbian subplot. one of the debs falls in love with the villian. and it's not a campy affair to stimulate the boy parts in the audience. the emotions reflect the affair of megan and grahm in "but i'm a cheerleader". throw in the other surprise of jimmi simpson (who fueled the test drive of my new blueberry vibrator) and you have a happy jane.

well, not happy. but at least i'm not sobbing.