self abuse

the other day at walgreens, while picking up $200 in new meds, I spied with my dirty little eyes a rechargable "back massager" for $14.99. yes, please!

upon taking it home i examined the four different textures surrounding the head, the flexibility of the neck, and the similarity in size to the hitachi with a third of the heft. I was getting all exciting until I tried to turn it on.

It died. Immediately. Thank goodness I can read, so I discovered you have to charge it for eight hours prior to first use (despite the fact that it comes with batteries).

my frustration was quickly cured by my hitachi magic wand and i went to sleep knowing the new toy would wake me in the morning (like the little birds in cinderella).

the next morning, I brought out new toy. I stretched a condom over the head (hitachi requires a glove with fingers tied at the base, but this one can take a condom - it just has a flappy latex tongue flicking around).

I started very basic. Propped my back and shoulders on some pillows. Made sure i was far enough down the bed to flex my toes against the wrought iron base board. and turned the device on.

pleasant. that was my first reaction. not "oh my god!" not "well, this is stupid" but "pleasant." I did some kegels, felt the warmth spreading through my body, and generally enjoyed the glow.

but i wasn't getting anywhere. so i turned it on high (it only has two speeds: note for improvement). I started grinding against the machine. now we were moving. my breathing was longer going out than coming in. things were heaving and twitching.

and then, disaster struck.

FUCK!!!!

the rubber neck liner had snagged on to my pubes. not just one, but a small tuft. and was trying it's darndest to rip them out of my tender lips.

I immediately sprung into action. Machine off. Scenario triaged. Hairs delicately removed.

But now what? I'm all hot and bothered and to top it all off, pissed.

So I arranged for the masturbation session of the month.

I got out my rock chick, condomed, and super lubed. I got out the hitachi, original (i'm sorry i ever strayed, baby). I stacked the pillows in a hill, adjacent to the head board, ready to ride and grind, and hold on to the wrought iron for resistance (when not squeezing my boobs).

I inserted the rockchick, astrode the pillow with the hitachi nestled strategically, leaned forward to a comfortable position, and began to ride. I like to thrust my way in to the gentle vibrations. But the buzz came on quickly, and lights, eyes, breathing, etc became erratically synced.

One hand pulled my hair against the wrought iron head board, while the other twisted my boob (not nipple, boob. now that they are so huge, this sensation rocks it for me). I squirted once. I continued, knowing a second or third was on the way.

And then, in the back thrust, i shifted to the side a millimeter too much, lost my balance, and flew off the bed. i bounced off two moving boxes (still not unbacked) and landed on my back on top of the plate i had eaten reheated thai food off of last night, that sandy had pushed around the floor for the rest of the evening).

The plate shattered beneath my back, I didn't know if i was broken, and the hitachi buzzed and bounced around the wood floor. If it hadn't been thanksgiving, I'd like to think the neighbors may have called or done something to assure I was okay. Fortunately my half of building was empty. I imagined the ambulance crew busting in, m unconscious, thai food under my back, rock chick in my crotch, soaked pillow, and buzzing hitachi.

"See," one would have quipped to the other, "I told you it can kill ya."