hpv and me
Yes, I have a strain (one of 30 some transmitted sexually, although there are over a hundred in all) of hpv (human papilloma virus). Current research shows 99.976…% of cervical cancer is linked to two or three types of hpv. Other strains cause things like plantar and genital warts.
Does this mean you have warts?
Nope. No warts for me. That’s a different type of hpv.
So you have an sti, but you have sex all the time? Have you no ethics?
Although condoms are not effective in preventing many strains of hpv that are transmitted via external skin to skin contact, especially those that cause genital warts (often in areas a condom does not cover). However, contemporary research shows condoms to be very effective in reducing the risk of transmission of the strains of hpv linked to cervical abnormalities.
But condoms obviously didn’t work for you. You have one of the craziest safer sex regimes I’ve ever heard of (condoms for sucking cock? Come on…)
First, in defense of my safer sex regime: I use condoms to suck cock because fellatio puts the dick at risk for gonorrhea, herpes, and syphilis, and puts the mouth at risk for those, plus wart-hpvs, Chlamydia, and hiv. I know this, so cock goes in my mouth and these stats pop in my head (one of the hazards of being an educated slut). Additionally, I’ve had major canker sores my whole life (thanks, dad) that could easily act as expressways for infection. No thank you.
In terms of condoms working for me, I was not always this educated. I grew up in Texas under the Bush as governor administration with abstinence only sex ed. I learned that sex equals pregnancy and if you have sex before you’re married, you will die of AIDS (and so will the baby). So despite being a horny little slut, I kept up with the “everything but” routine for almost seven years. Just after my 18th birthday (you can do the math for the age of my first blow job), I managed to end up in a motel room with a “friend” who was entering the coast guard reserves in the morning (so fucking cheesy, I know). Couldn’t buy condoms because 1) I’m the girl, duh and 2) condoms = premeditation and I had signed one of those virginity pledge thingies (both of which are horrible reasons, I know). Result, the ever-popular fallback of withdrawal and a significant chunk of time convinced I was pregnant (alright, a month) and HIV + (almost two years). And then there was that fun date rape incident my freshman year, unprotected vaginal and anal sex (my first time for that one), and that month I was going crazy on birth control fucking my gay boyfriend (another long story) raw because we’d both finally been tested. So, yes, I have my history of risk behavior. More than ample latex- and polyurethane-free moments for the hpv to lurk into my system.
Now you pay for your dirty whoring.
Although it is pretty impossible to know who one “receives” hpv (or herpes) from, I am almost positive it was from one of the above-mentioned “recreational” sexual endeavors, not a professional engagement. Furthermore, it is estimated over 80% of the sexually active population has some form of sexually transmitted hpv. They can’t all be whores (although if they were, we could start a movement).
So, does everyone with hpv die of cervical cancer?
Hardly. Most people with hpv never know they have it. Those who are lucky enough to have the types of hpv linked to cervical cancer may develop cervical dysplasias, but they usually go away on their own in under two years. As long as you catch it and monitor it, you can usually manage to avoid a death sentence.
80%!?! Fuck. How can I know if I have hpv?
Get a PAP smear. If it comes out abnormal, get a colposcopy. Although, just because your pap is cool doesn’t mean you don’t have hpv, you just don’t have an active symptomatic infection. Lucky you.
What about boys and other folks with penises (peni?)?
Anyone can get an anal pap, although it can be a challenge to find a doc to provide one. In terms of tests for penis, there isn’t really one available. If you have oodles of cash and a cooperative health care provider, you may be able to finagle a blood test, but unless it is for the specific strains of hpv you’re concerned about, it’s not much use. So you go on with your happy dicks, and let the cervixes and rectums rot away.
We’re not in a bitchy mood…
My cervix hurts so fuck off. Actually, it’s better today, but I have to wait two weeks for biopsy results (argh…). Until then, I am accepting CVs and resumes for potential sperm donors.