Tuesday, November 09, 2004

what's a whore to do?

work sucks.
not just sex work, all work.
profound, i know.

today, my boss made me cry. he wasn't intentionally being an asshole, but there's this huge rift between him and the manager of another department and i'm stuck straddling the divide. he's pulling on me so hard that whenever he snaps and just let's go, i topple backwards. today i tried to talk with him about it and he had a snap. and i cried.

i cried professionally, out of view, in the bathroom with my panty hose around my ankles, holding my breath whenever someone came in to pee. and i washed my face with cold water so the red faded before walking back to my cubicle where i reapplied my eyeliner and some powder to fade the flaming blush. i then took a xanax and did some filing work until i could think straight again.

later, after i was back under control, i went to speak with a counselor in hr. informally. confidentially. she gave wonderful advice and helped renew my faith that i can handle this. i am coming into the office early tomorrow to have a conversation about the whole raging power dynamic with his supervisor (who i consider a rolemodel and all around cool lady and who gets a kick out of whatever t-shirt, button, fishnet, or boot i happen to be wearing). it will get better. really it will. even though it has been going on for six months and i've kept on saying, it will get better, and it hasn't.

i think about quitting and doing whoring full time until i get another job. but that wouldn't work for several reasons. first, one of the reasons i adore whoring is because it is a choice. i do not need to turn a trick tonight, this week, this month if i don't want to. whoring is strictly supplemental income, not my primary source of fiscal support. additionally, business has been super slow and super frustrating (see november 2nd for an example). i think i'd go crazy before i made rent. finally, full-time whoring requires an investment (financial, emotional, and physical) i am not prepared to make at this time. so no full time whoring for now.

on the bright side the collective is beginning to slowly take shape. check out the beginning FAQ sheet and mission statement at http://www.eroticalternative.com/services.html. if you would like to make a donation or join the group, please email me at jane@eroticalternative.com.

5 Comments:

Blogger Garrison Steelle said...

It doesn't seem to matter what one does for a living, there's always someone who can manage to make at least a portion of our lives miserable.

I will hope your meeting tomorrow goes well.

-G

11/09/2004 9:58 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

If you want him killed, say the word.

11/10/2004 9:30 AM  
Blogger ShyGirl said...

I hate the crying at work thing...I definitely relate. I guess all you can do is just clench your jaw hard enough that you don't do it in front of "them". Take lots of deep breaths and try to keep it all in perspective. The world has such unreasonable expectations for us most of the time...but you can only work so many miracles when other people are being difficult. I hope the conversation with the supervisor woman helps.

11/10/2004 12:05 PM  
Blogger cfmartin said...

the work place is like this little world on itself, you have good people, you have bad people, and you have assholes. I had all kind of bosses (mostly very good) however I will NEVER forget my first "real" boss. Straight out of college I had to deal with this retard who was on a power trip 24/7. My only adice is to work as hard as possible, do your thing, feel good about what you're doing because (trust me) sooner or later those assholes come down from their ego trips in the worst way. Even if you're under a lot of stress a boss should never lose it in front of an employee... It's not difficult to be a good boss, I guess you cannot ask a bad person to be a good boss... cheer up, things will get better!

11/10/2004 4:47 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Hey pretty lady...I'm really sorry, having been there and done that, it sucks. But sometimes crying can be cathartic even though it sucks. I hope things have gotten better. hugs, rachel

11/12/2004 11:07 AM  

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