Monday, March 07, 2005

inappropriate apologies

as i am laying in bed, watching william h macy's ass in the cooler, he has a screaming orgasm. then immediately apologizes.


the assumption that it is never long enough, hard enough, good enough?

i can't imagine having to apologize for every partnered orgasm.

when discussing sexual double standards, those faced by heterosexually active men are rarely addressed. the days of closing your eyes and thinking of england are over for the girls. women are supposed to concentrate on their pleasure. but men are expected to think of baseball stats and the queen of england to prolong their erection. they pay money to shroud their dicks in desensitizing lotion, while women burn their clits with "stimulating drops".

appreciate sex and appreciate your partners. enjoy a variety of play, including those that do not require an erection. focus on sensation, not the end goal of orgasm. don't keep score, but play fair by your partner.

explore, have fun, and never apologize for pleasure.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


I think the problem you describe is inescapable as long as penis-vagina intercourse is overwhelmingly central in the culture's view of sex. I'm not knocking PVI. I quite like it. However, lots of folks treat it like every other sexual activity is inferior, a mere prelude to or shadow of PVI.

That excludes lots of people, and it limits everyone.

There are plenty of activities where, in two-partner sex, only one person is getting genital stimulation. With one person focussing on coming, and their partner focussed on making them come, it's easier to talk about fantasies, read feedback, etc.

The process of change is slow. I think the Lewinsky affair actually helped -- a lot of culturally conservative folks said that blow-jobs are sex -- and if they say it enough, they'll start to accept it as true. I think "lesbian chic" has also helped, to the extent that middle America understands that lesbians do something other than strap-on penetration.

But it's an evolutionary process. Your troll said it himself (from word choice alone, I refuse to believe that was a woman): he took it for granted that all sex workers fuck clients.

Now, one problem is that teens are encouraged to wait for PVI. There's good reasoning behind that, as it brings a lot of risk with it. However, it also underlines the position of PVI as "special" or "ultimate" or "going all the way." I don't know how to fix that, except slowly.


3/08/2005 10:43 AM  
Anonymous Nicole said...


I think this is a really good point and a problem that needs to be addressed. In my conservative hometown, I saw the super-religious high school girls having anal sex in order to keep that oh so special hymen intact. This is a problem because in NO way are these kids getting proper education on HOW to have anal sex, and how important it is to use condoms (even though pregnancy is unlikely), lube (in my town, lube was seen as for old wrinkled up women) and communication skills.

Stressing PVI virginity as a way to protect one's reputation, one's genitals (from STI's) and one's bank account (from a new baby) is only going to create more problems when teens find creative ways of being sexual. Creative ways that they havne't neccessarily had access to good education about yet.

3/08/2005 1:53 PM  
Blogger Jane Vincent said...

this is a point i try to address by insisting that pregnancy and STIs be addressed in separate contexts. one is about sperm reaching egg. the other is about skin, semen, vaginal fluids, sores, mucous membranes, saliva, tears in tender places, foreskins, etc.

however, a friend who arranges my regular high school workshops just set me up for five 1.5 hour "safer sex and teen pregnancy" workshops. i told her to fuck herself, but enjoy it, as i look forward to the challenge.

3/08/2005 4:29 PM  
Blogger Garrison Steelle said...

Okay, first of all, thinking about the Queen is NOT a good way for me to maintain an erection.

And while I whole-heartedly concur that a significant adjustement in attitudes is necessary, I also think men place themselves in a position to receive derision from their partners because of the tendency to fall fast asleep once they cum. I don't think too many women expect to be satisfied by vanginal penetratrion every time, but they WOULD prefer their partner to consider them as more than an ejaculate receptical.

There again, much goes back to our less-than-balanced view of what constitutes sex. Fix that, starting about age 6, and I think several other issues are resolved as a result.


3/08/2005 9:36 PM  
Blogger bikipatra said...

I think we need to remember to look at things from a bioevolutionary stand point. People are more than their DNA. However, hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have gone on to guarantee that PENIS enters VAGINA, and ejaculates. It is not only a psychological construct that it is the be all and end all for many people.

3/12/2005 4:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe your lovers wouldn't need to
apologize if you'd move a little,
moan, or take your eyes off the TV.

Maybe if you would actually pretend
that you're "into it" while they're
into you, they wouldn't be made to
feel like they need to apologize!

For every guy out there who really
tries to please the woman he's
fucking, there are 10 women who
won't give him the satisfaction and
act like they can't wait for it to
be over.

YOU should apologize for being a
frigid bitch and for wasting his
time banging a cunt that couldn't
care less.

3/13/2005 12:14 PM  
Blogger Jane Vincent said...

i'm sorry, what was that? i have never exercised the right to censor or veto a comment, but this one is particularly ridiculous.

um, my post was about how men should be able to enjoy sex just as much as their partners without guilt or apologies.

by the all cap YOU, am i to assume your are accusing me of being a "frigid bitch"? like many women, i take a very active role in my sex life. however, i still encounter breathless apologies.

if anything, i am on your side. although comments like these make me question my judgement.

3/13/2005 3:24 PM  

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