Monday, September 13, 2004

less than perfect

i think maybe i'm getting depressed or destructive or something again. two big flags: i bought a scale and looked up sexual compulsive anonymous meetings. funny that "seeking help" is probably quite destructive in my case. i think i may have to channel my energies into a non-apologetic, sex-positive book on sexual compulsivity. recognizing that most of my sex --- group, partner, solo, anonymous, and paid --- is great for me, makes me happy, and doesn't interfere with my functioning. it's just when i get into these occasional moods where i feel i must have sex in order to feel real again, to get over whatever block or anxiety, or to just make progress of any sort. i have a great therapist who's super sex-positive and i adore, but i'm afraid to mention much of my sexual life to her because i don't want her to judge me (or to imply that i feel ashamed of any of this). she knows i do sex work, have group sex, go cruising, etc. she's laughs at my anecdotes and let's me set the mood for the analysis. but i have fallen into the old pattern where i want my shrink to like me and think i'm great, often resulting in me keeping the things i need to deal with most out of her office. argh... it's a day. plus i think i have a mild uti so i canceled an afternoon date (that was actually going to happen on his part, unlike half of my past scheduled tricks).


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