the first time

The pictures for the last post were taken when driving down highway 6 i realized i couldn't remember in which motel i'd first done the deed (i think there's supposed to be a comma in there somewhere. forgive me). Eventually, a process of elimination - two stories; actually on the highway, not the off-ramp - narrowed it down. But the kicker was a high school friend mentioning the jacuzzis at the comfort inn. I had forgotten about that!

So the answer is a) comfort inn, on July 11th, 2000. Congratulations, nadia.

In order to talk about when it happened, we need to start with when it didn't happen.

• At 14, with my 19 year old boyfriend at the 80's dance because my dad parked outside the dance thus preventing a visit to my date's van.
• Again at 14, the evening before moving away from michigan, with my soulmate because his dad made him go to work at the grocery store thus thwarting our afternoon-at-a-mutual friend's plan. We ended up seeing a movie during which he went down on me (a first for me) and got me back to the hotel (because my family was already out of our house) way past curfew. I caressed the fading hickeys he left on my belly for weeks but they didn't make up for what I felt was derailed destiny.
• At 15, when my christian boyfriend found jesus for the third time that year thus preventing all sex before marraige.
• At 16, on the golf course, because the boy forgot a condom. I started to give him a blowjob but was so frustrated over the no condom=no sex thing that I quit halfway and left which he likened to a criminal offense.
• At 17, with my old soulmate, in the back of his car with a box of condoms, shirts off, pulling at pants, and the cops drive up. Killed the mood, to say the least.

At this point I felt like my virginity was a curse. It was never going to "just happen" with someone I was (at least momentarily) in love with. So i took matters into my own hands.

At 18, I found a guy that was reputed to put out (he was a playa' or whatever the equivalent of a boy slut). We met with a group at a hookah bar about a week before graduation. He would come in to IHOP and drink coffee until I got off work. We'd drive around black country roads with the windows down and led zepplin blaring. He would make awkward attempts at compliments and gave me a pink floyd t-shirt for my birthday. He would do.

An integral part of this decision was the fact that he was going in to the services. The coast guard. Reserves. (this was before the current war torn state, so it really was a joke). I was leaving on a ten day trip to Europe with my parents on the 17th. By the time I returned, he would be at boot camp. He would not get out of camp until I had already left for college in new york. So, theoretically, I wouldn't have to worry about a relationship or any of that icky dumping-the-guy stuff.

So the evening before his coast guard physical, he picked me up from a particularly long shift at ihop. We got a room at the comfort inn. I was convinced everyone knew what we were doing. The only room available was a suite. This meant we got a bottle of cheap champagne and two plastic dixie cups and one of the regionally legendary jacuzzis.

He popped the champagne and drew me a bath. We sat across from each other in the jacuzzi, full of conditioning-shampoo bubbles, and he gave me a foot rub (waitresses of the world sigh in ecstasy). At this point I was ready to just go to sleep.

So we got out of the tub and toweled off. I then walked to the bed with my towel slung over the shower rod. He modestly tucked his towel around his waist and made some comment about me being "wild" and "bold". Um, I walked ten feet in the buff. Really wild, there.

He turned on the tv to some war movie set in asia so there was karate, ninjas, and guns. We started making out. I went down on him. At the last minute I pulled up, bit his nipple, and asked him to get a condom.

"What? Oh, man, I don't have any. I didn't want to make any assumptions." Hello! We are going to a hotel together. Translation: we will be having sex. You are the boy. The boy gets the condoms. (Thankfully, I am now liberated enough to carry around a dozen or so condoms for all my friends at any given time. And condoms do not assume anything. They are a responsible persons way of preparing for the future, which could possibly include sex or the need for waterballoons). I rolled over and huffed.

"In that case, I'm going to sleep." I said and closed my eyes. He spooned against me. After a few minutes he began kissing my neck. And then we were making out. And mutually jacking the other off. And he pulled up. "I'll pull out," he whispered as he pushed his way inside me. So romantic.

There was no pain. There wasn't much of anything. There was the excitement of "this is it. i'm doing it. i'm no longer a virgin." but there was also the "this is it? aren't i supposed to have an orgasm or at least feel something." The sex was missionary position and he withdrew to come in his hand. Then he scurried to the bathroom.

After I peed we curled up to sleep. He feel asleep fast and I lay there, staring at the ceiling. He woke up occasionally and I eventually dozed. We had sex two more times before his alarm went off. He had to be downtown at the recruitment center at 5:30.

After he left, I was able to sleep for a few hours. Then I woke up and sat down in the corner of the shower, trying to determine if I had changed. I gathered my things and drove to the house of the friend i had "spent the night with". Her family left their doors unlocked, so I let myself in and went upstairs to her tiny not-quite-a-twin bed. She wasn't home. I crawled under the covers and slept until she joined me after ten.

I eventually went home because I had a dental appointment, after which I slept for the remainder of the afternoon. I rented stealing beauty but the tracking was off. So i listened to the beautiful soundtrack while beginning a new journal in the light of the static. I write a letter to the unborn child I know I'm now carrying and make a condensed life plan for the next ten years until the HIV turns to AIDS. This sounds like a joke, but I was dead serious.

Led Zepplin's Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You became my soundtrack. I had it on repeat and even made a tape with an entire side of just that song. I had already left him, in my mind.

He picked me up from work one more time that week, taking me over to his house, his parents out for the evening. We watched stigmata and alice in wonderland until i turned to him and said, "i have to be home in forty minutes. do you want to do it or not?" This time he had condoms but i still didn't feel anything. After he comes and rolls off me, he sighs, "You're a difficult person to fall in love with." We kissed goodbye and I left for Europe, convinced I would never have to see him again.

About a week after I get home from Europe, he calls. "Can I come over? I need to talk to you."
He shows up and we sit on lawn furniture in the back yard. "I've had a change of plans. Instead of going in to the reserves, I'm joining the coast guard. And when I get out of boot camp, I'm going to be stationed in... New York!"

"What?!?" He seemed shocked by my obvious lack of delight. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Well, I kind of figured I would have some friends there and then we could..."

"I'm sorry, K---, but there is no we. I'm going to college. I have no desire for a relationship right now. I'm sorry if you didn't understand this. Good luck with your plans, but don't make plans for me."

He took it in, then slowly stood to go. "I guess this is goodbye?"

"Goodbye." I hugged him and lightly kissed him.

Classy but true.