Friday, February 11, 2005

missionary (a poundcake update)

i know you all have been biting your nails to here how my date with the possibly straight girl went. well, stop now or i'll put tabasco on your nails (or that yucky tasting clear polish my friend had to wear in junior high).

don't you hate it when you have a bad date, but the other person didn't? during the date, i very quickly realized that poundcake girl and i are not compatible. however, she left a message yesterday to set up a second date. no no no no no. two years ago, or even four months ago, i would have taken on the roll of teacher and mentor for this young (20!) sex-negative/naive child. but it is not my job to help others learn about their sexuality. or rather, it is my job. so i'd like to find something more symbiotic in a personal relationship.

so what was so bad about it?

nothing in particular went horribly arye (how the hell do you spell that word?!? sounds like "uh-rye", anyway, you get my drift). we are simply not sexually compatible on a philosophical level.

she wants to be pursued, captured, adored, beloved, unattainable, and ravished. she doesn't want sex. she wants someone else to want sex with her. but she doesn't surrender. while she was busy dwelling on the vampyric parallels of sexual pursuit, i felt i eating at dojo's with an ayn rand character (you know, the chic from "the fountainhead").

part of her need to be the beloved and not the lover translates to her distaste of discussion of sex (although obviously not on this date, because it was really all we talked about). "if my lover so much as asks if i am ready, that ruins it for me." the girl is against verbal communication! ack! she connotes the type that wouldn't use condoms because
1) buying them would imply planning and desire on her behalf
2) asking someone to put on a condom would ruin the mood
3) its "unnatural"

*sidenote: on dates with guys over the last year or two, i have noticed myself switching into "sex worker mode" when i'm not attracted to the guy. leading the conversation and making sure he's having a good time and being polite and social and a good hostess but having zero personal investment in the date. on this particular date, i switched into "teacher mode". i was continually validating her views and offering other ideas and concepts to chew on, not forcing anything but providing new information. it was exhausting!*

sex is an unnatural act. this is the title of an interesting book, but a great concept all on its own. we are brought up in a conflicting sexual culture (duh!). on the one hand, consumerism is telling us we must by this that and the other in order to be satisfied sexual beings. on the other hand, we are lead to believe that sex "just happens naturally" and is a basic animal act that doesn't require effort or information. sex without information is bad sex. this doesn't have to be information learned in school or from textbooks or cosmo or the spice channel. this can be knowledge of your body and how your body feels and responds as well as knowledge of your partner's body. now, you can just figure it out by trial and error, but a independent research and communication greatly increases your chances of having an enjoyable sexual experience.

which brings me to a point i have been mulling over lately, especially in light of the sex toy debate. should the purpose of sexuality education be to prevent sex or prevent bad sex? or maybe prevention shouldn't be the goal at all.

so you're thinking, "ah, jane's just bitter cause she didn't get any. sounds like it probably wasn't even a date." well, i don't know if it was a date or not. because she doesn't kiss on the first date! (which is cute, but not really) in conclusion, there will not be a second date.

i am now going home to re-read judith levine's harmful to minors (everybody go out and buy it, or order it from, or check it out from nadia). sweet dreams.


Blogger brainhell said...


Do the people you date (or un-date) ever encounter your reviews on the web? Did you tell this woman you have a blog?

2/11/2005 11:22 PM  
Blogger Librarian Babe said...

I'm such the librarian that I checked to see if my library system has it - and one library does (not mine, but if you come to my library I can put a hold on it and get it sent over for you). lol I'll have to make time to read it at some point myself. I still need to finish The Ethical Slut.

I agree that not having sex shouldn't really be the goal. While I would promote being emotionally ready for sex, education is a big part of what makes a person emotionally ready. If they know the joys and the risks and how to determine acceptable levels of risk then they could be 14 or 40 to be ready to have sex. When I first had sex I was ready as I had make a point of reading as much as I could about it. I knew disease and pregnancy were possibilities and we used a condom. I was even lucky enough to be in love with the guy I lost my virginity to. I was 18 (it was on my birthday!).

Had I not been an insecure teen, I might have been ready earlier. There's no hard and fast rules.

2/12/2005 10:55 AM  
Blogger Garrison Steelle said...

She's young. You might tell her to check back with you in two years--over coffee. Maybe she will have gleaned some wisdom by then.

Education inherently instructs, informs, and prepares the student, regardless of the topic. Prohibition is not taught, it is either mandated on a corporate level or chosen individually. Education teaches the student to learn from the mistakes of the past so that one might avoid errors of previous generations. Education informs students of inherent risks and their consequences. Education prepares students for their own exploration.

Do we dare ask of it anything more?


2/12/2005 12:30 PM  
Blogger lola said...

eduation is educating. teaching and learning. [obvious] parents teach their kids almost everything about life: how to eat, aid in boo-boos, sanitation, how to stay warm, how to love, etc.. thing is, most parents aren't comfortable teaching about sex. so, where are kids to learn about how to have sex, how to love in sex, how to enjoy something so fundamental in our species?

if they learn from other kids who don't know about it - STIs & pregnancy, low self-esteem, etc can occur. is it up to our teachers then? well, sex is also a family issue, a "moral" issue according to this administration. well, should our churches teach our children about responsible, loving, fun sex?

i don't think that sex ed is just about prevention. our repressed country doesn't even know how to have pleasurable sex. boys are lucky to find their penises and excitement at a young age b/c their organ is outside their body. "whoops! touched myself.. wow, feels great. i'm gonna do that again!" but girls.. well, we're tucked in, and that darn clit is even hidden by a HOOD! makes it harder to figure out what makes us feel good. go figure, autonomy is freedom, self-control, self-fulfillment.

i think sex ed needs to be like american history/civics class. here's the history of sex; how the bodies work and their functions in society; reproductive rights history: contraception introduced, courts, women's access, married vs. unmarried access/rights; children's rights; cause/effect; etc.. include the precautions, the realities, STIs/pregnancy -- in a medically-accurate, non-fear-based way of course. then also, here are ways to enjoy yourself and your partner. sex is natural, but is also like anything else: make sure you're ready for it, you feel in control, you're deciding to do it. this is, of course, hard to teach to teens who are constantly told what they cannot do and are still living at home, under others' rules.

i have a friend in CA who is going to start classes for adults about bdsm with his partner. i used to walk around and wonder at what kind of kinky sex people were having by the way they dressed, acted, "would he be on top or bottom?" "would she spank or get spanked?" now i'm realizing that actually, the majority of these people are doing it missionary - all the time. haven't even found where their pleasure centers are, how it feels from behind, or what a pinch or twist here or there does.

not only do our teens/children need education about possibilities, precautions, and enjoyment of this natural act, but our adults need some, too. it's ok to enjoy sex not just for reproduction. it's natural to do so, etc...

i don't think the sole goal of sex ed is to prevent anything. it _should be_ a way to inform, broad-based, and explaining. but also like anything else. career counseling, how to cook, survival skills. sadly, it's our country and very conservative people in power who get to trivialize this very natural act of our species.

my 2 rambling cents.
and, jane, i think you do a great service to society and our kids. so does PP with its education department. keep up the good, and very very needed work!!


2/12/2005 3:42 PM  

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