Tuesday, April 12, 2005

hello, pot? this is kettle.

you're black!

i have a history of compulsion. i normally read three books a week. always finish what i'm eating (small bags of snacks are very valuable in this respect). i have read the archives of five web comics over the past month (www.somethingpositive.net, www.questionablecontent.net, www.clv-comic.com, www.queenofwands.net, www.sexylosers.com). i try not to drink often, but when i do i usually have five or six drinks. and sex as a coping mechanism is several posts of it's own. but the line between using something as a coping mechanism (positive) vs compulsive tool of repression (negative) is often hard to discern, especially when you're straddling it.

lately, a friend has been very much on my mind. i have known him since i was an intern in fishnets. over the last year, he's been hit with a new phase of life (turning 40 can't be easy) and a nasty divorce. i see him coping with sex and alcohol to the point of compulsion and addiction.

at first i didn't think it was a problem. he just left a stifling marriage. he had a right to some fun. then i found myself pulling away from him as i began to temper my own drinking and sexual compulsivity. now i hear reports from mutual friends and sometimes read his blog (but his blog persona is so different than the man i knew. his blog is a play-by-play of sexual conquests with little introspection, so no insight gained there.)

over the last month i have become increasingly concerned. i hear reports that he is blacking out, having sex with two or three partners a day (discounting his frequent sex parties), neglecting his family, unintentionally hurting his partners, and ignoring his self. dacia and i joked about calling in ru paul in his short shorts. then we started researching intervention strategies and resources (everybody wants money). we've discussed small two-on-one discussions and larger group interventions. but the friend doesn't return emails, breaks dates saying he can't remember making them, and has been quoted "why have a drink with someone if you're not going to fuck?"

it seems he's grown more concerned with his public persona than himself or his friends. so maybe he'll read this and think about it. or maybe he'll see it as betrayal, using his life for blog fodder. i haven't used names or pseudonyms but he knows who he is. although i don't know if he reads my blog anymore. i would hate to think he knew about my recent health problems and didn't even drop an email or a comment (especially since Dacia and I showed up with dozens of novels during his weekend hospital stay this spring.)

i just want him to take care of himself. and get help. i think a therapist could help him process some of the emotions he's blocking with drinking and sex. or he could just write me off.


Blogger Garrison Steelle said...

We should all be so fortunate as to have a friend like you willing to intervene. I do hope he finds a way to listen.


4/13/2005 11:29 AM  
Blogger SlutGirl said...

I've seen the fall of a friend up close and personal (ended in his suicide) and it is so hard to witness. Just take care not to beat yourself up too much if you aren't successful in your attempts to help him. You can only do so much until/unless he's willing to see the problem. Good luck.

4/13/2005 8:04 PM  
Blogger Jefferson said...

What you write seems very dire indeed!

I think Slutgirl is right: if I knew anyone like the person you describe, I would definitely check his belt and shoe laces.

4/13/2005 10:09 PM  
Blogger Jane Vincent said...

thank you everyone for your support, especially you, jefferson, for your insite on- and off-line.

my "friend" has taken notice. the ball is now in his court. as dacia has pointed out, i don't have the energy to support anyway else at this point as i'm still sleeping 18 hours/day. so, i have expressed my concern. the next move is his. after all, it is his problem.

4/14/2005 3:45 PM  
Blogger Jefferson said...

Sure Jane, glad to pitch in.

I can certainly identify with your friend's problems with divorce and kids, though jeeez . . . his situation seems so extreme, it is almost unbelievable.

Good luck to the poor sod.

4/15/2005 10:05 AM  
Blogger AS RED AS ... said...


4/15/2005 9:20 PM  
Blogger misterniceguy1960 said...

That public persona can kill you if you let it take over.

I remember Alice Cooper saying that he tried to be Alice 24 hours a day for a year or so, but finally decided he didn't want to die young, so he started restricting Alice to the stage, and today he goes home after work to be Vinnie Furness, redneck family man. And good for him.

4/17/2005 1:51 AM  
Blogger bikipatra said...

maybe if you could find someone who has triumphed over problems similar to his...that person could share how he got better. Sounds like a better alternative than a dippy therapist who may or may not connect well with him.

4/17/2005 5:26 AM  
Blogger brainhell said...

It's very hard to help people. Glad you're trying.

4/18/2005 10:09 AM  
Blogger Librarian Babe said...

He won't admit he has a drinking problem. He sexually assaulted a woman while drunk at a sex party. He's a lost cause in my book.

4/21/2005 9:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jane, I read what Nadia wrote. This guy has apparently crossed the line from "guy with some problems" to "bad guy." I believe in redemption -- I've seen hardened gang members turn into solid citizens. But this guy had better repent and stop assaulting women. If he keeps on like he's going, he'll either get prosecuted or be on the losing side of some angry friends' revenge.


4/22/2005 9:12 AM  

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